Pyrite Literary Review

With paying markets for writers becoming scarcer by the minute there is real competition for publication by the non-paying literary outlets, and it seems that many writers would do anything for a publishing credit. I have no problem with that, but I certainly do have an issue with any print or ezine publication that feeds itself off the creative vision of writers yet treats the author with contempt. As a tongue in cheek example (in both cheeks actually) I created the mythic Pyrite Literary Review as a piece of sarcasm that parrots the publications that seek literary submissions of all genres in ‘Poets and Writers’ magazine. The publishing and submission requirements of the mythical Pyrite Literary Review appear below and mirror the state of the written word in America today.

The Pyrite Literary Review
 
The Pyrite Literary Review is now accepting literary submissions in all genres for publication in the next issue of our magazine and ezine, both currently scheduled for an upcoming release.

Literary Focus

Established last month, The Pyrite Literary Review and Ezine is a nationally recognized nascent prize-winning literary journal from the former editors of the Mentone Beach Anthology of Great Inland Empire Authors and Caterers. We are pleased to publish and feature the highest quality fiction, nonfiction, poetry, and art-centric reviews by both emerging and established authors.

Website: if we had one it would be www.pyriteinthearts.shit

Submission Guidelines: Submission guidelines can be found on our website. Please DO read our previous issues to familiarize yourself with the style and type of articles deemed worthy for publication. Please DO NOT think that your meager efforts will ever see the light of day under our banner head. To submit a piece you must first provide us with information that we can sell to other interested parties so please give us your name, address, phone number, age, email, sex, occupation, annual salary, and two credit references, even though we have no intention of ever publishing your work.

Genres Published: every genre except the one you are submitting.

Reading Period: We often just throw your work in the trash so don't worry about it.

Reporting Time: Give us 9 to 12 months to get back to you with a reply. Due to the high number of submissions, please allow us the time required to give every piece the attention it deserves. Our Editor in Chief is in recovery from painkillers, our poetry editor is on Nantucket giving her latest boy-toy what-for, and when the Arts and Criticism Editor quit he destroyed a file server and gave everyone in the office a nasty computer virus. Our business manager is on a bender and has gone walkabout in Manhattan, while our webmaster has turned his attention to the world of porn so he can make a few dollars. Our layout editor and graphic artist is in the hospital recovering from injuries she received during the last office party when, after being discovered servicing the copier repairman ‘in flagrante delicto’ in the computer room, she involuntarily emptied her bladder while straddling a power-strip.

Circulation: 24

Issues per year: at a minimum, the one that appeared just before your submission

Accepts unsolicited submissions: Yes, how else would we get your demographic information to sell to those who track such things, or to those that have writing or publishing products they want you to buy.

Accepts electronic submissions: No. Please send your submissions on the finest watermarked bond, triple spaced, and following the guidelines set forth in the Chicago Manual of Style. Do not include a SASE with your submission, just throw in a 20-dollar bill and we will handle the details. If you so choose, you may pay 10 dollars and submit your work electronically as an email attachment. This will help offset the cost of opening a Word document.

Accepts simultaneous submissions: No. How dare you complain about the reporting time or think you can actually submit to other publications while our dedicated editorial staff is rigorously vetting your work?

Accepts material previously printed or published online: No. What makes you think it is permissible to post your work to your own website and send it to us as well?

Payments: we make no payments at this time. If we ever do in the future, we will take care of you.

Artist Rights: we get all first time rights to your work including FNASR (including first rights in Great Britain, Europe, and Australia), TV, Radio, Web, Electronic, CD, DVD, Anthology, and anything else we may not have included or thought up yet. All rights revert to the artist after we have sucked them dry.

Tips from the Editor: As our tastes are eclectic, excellence is our only criterion. Your work, on the other hand, sucks.

We look forward to your work, and towards having the opportunity to service you.
 
You need to understand that it is not about you, the artist who provides content; it is all about us.
 
Note: if interested in the catering half of the business please include a non-refundable fifty-dollar honorarium made out to cash.