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Virgin Parking Lot Construction Company


This is Chesterman Dullard, world-correspondent for the Mentone California Telegraph and Bee, here at the World Headquarters of the Virgin Parking Lot Construction Company in the little-Sunni section of Baghdad, where I have the honor of interviewing Nassir Assassan, founder and chief operating officer of the Virgin Parking Lot Construction Company, the small minority-owned business that is the talk of the town.
CD: Mr Assassan, can you tell us about the genesis of your operation, the inspiration that led to the creation of the Virgin Parking Lot Construction Company.
NA: What with the closing of so many Islamic-charities, I felt I must do something for my people, something to give our children hope for the future. Creating parking lots out of unused pieces of ground seemed an untapped opportunity.
CD: A noble cause to be sure. Tell us about your workforce and the skills you need to succeed in your business.
NA: First, I must clear the lot. For that, I need men with a slight-build for tree removal. By wearing a small suicide-vest, they can wrap their arms around a tree and effectively remove it from existence, quickly and economically.
CD: How much does that job pay?
NA: Nothing. You are rewarded in heaven with virgins that will service you for all eternity in celebration of your tree-martyrdom.
CD: What other skill-sets are required.
NA: I need big men for large rock removal. For this, I have devised a specially constructed suicide-trouser. A big man needs to but sit on the rock and salaam, the rock is gone.
CD: And the pay-rate for this stone removal?
NA:  Again, nothing. You are rewarded in heaven with virgins to service you for all eternity in celebration of your rock-martyrdom.
CD: Do you have any other staffing needs?
NA: Yes. At the present time I am searching for good god-fearing females, for women who wear the burqa.
CD: And what task will they perform?
NA: They will do the final grading on the site. For that, I have devised a small suicide-sandal that does an excellent job of smoothing the ground in preparation for paving. And the burqa keeps the dust down to a minimum during this process as well.
CD: What does that job pay?
NA: Nothing.
CD: Are the women feted by virgins for all eternity in celebration of their martyrdom as the men are?
NA: No.
CD: That doesn’t seem fair to me.
NA: They are but women, it matters not.

CD: Do any family members work for the firm?

NA: No, they live in Miami.
CD: Is it hard to keep good workers on the payroll?
NA: Not really. Every few months we stage a loud demonstration and complain about the Jewish rocks and trees that are infecting the land, and our hiring offices are soon overflowing with potential martyrs eager to win their way into heaven. Allah be praised.
CD: How is business?
NA: Booming.
CD: And the long-term outlook?
NA: Not bad. And I hear that there is a new start-up company in the little-Tehran section of the city that is going to come out with a state-of-the-art nuclear device that will quickly and completely prepare the lot for paving. When that happens, there can really be progress.
CD: Allah be praised indeed.